Halloween is Scary...just keep walkin'!

Well, its time to prepare for Halloween, which means kids will likely leave our house crying again this year...and not by being terrified by the "eerie music" or overwhelmed by the house decorations. "Trick or treating" all begins so innocently, but how it ends makes my skin crawl.

You see, each year I dress up our kids in original and usually handmade costumes. Handmade, because my kids are excessively creative and come up with their own characters. At three years old, my daughter wanted to be a "Ballerina Cat", thus a black tail and fuzzy wuzzy belly fur were attached to her pink tutu. My son, requested to be a “Country Mouse" one year. This was easy enough with a glue gun and raffia; he looked like he slept in the hay!

However, it is not the costumes that make this holiday so difficult for me. I enjoy the challenge of putting their creativity to the "Mommy test." I also enjoy carving the pumpkins and buying endless bags of candy for the evening.

I have even been known to dress up, per my kids instructions as a witch, over and over and over again...I wonder if this is a subtle sting of innuendo from the kiddos? So... what is it, that makes me dread Halloween, you ask? Well, its my husband, of course.

No, he isn't one of those men who decorates a haunted house and he doesn't stand behind a tree in the yard, scaring the neighborhood kids. He will not dress up, except when I offer him a bright orange tee shirt that reads, "This is my costume."

Instead, he excitedly bolts to the door for the first trick or treater and thus starts the evening of terror!! I watch as he holds out the candy bowl, as pirates, clowns, Spongebobs and ghosts timidly take 1 sole, tiny candy kiss. My husband happily helps them out with his "man handful" of candy and they are amazed. I guess you are now thinking, so how is that dreadful? He is so generous to the little kids...don't be fooled.

My husband is just trying to get rid of the candy, so he can "play his prank" on the older kids. You know, the ones he believes are "too old" to be dressing up for candy. My husband believes that the little kids show up first, so he is “kind and generous” from about 6-8pm. It is around this time that the bowl is empty (or... has mysteriously disappeared from the foyer).

Traditionally and in most homes, this is the time we should blow out the candle pumpkins and turn off the lights, but not here! No, this is my spouse’s highlight of the holiday and he is armed with “treats” of his own.

You see, my husband uses the holiday for an annual pantry cleaning! Call it spring cleaning in October. Call it harmlessly funny. Call it tricks . Just don't call me, when your kid comes home with a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. My older neighborhood kids will be offered cans of beans, unopened boxes of croutons, ketchup, even a box of powdered sugar, (which, in this day and age, could be mistaken for drugs in that white, powdery state).

Yikes!

I suppose its funny, unless you're married to the prankster and know that these families are thinking we are insane neighbors.

And, its no wonder, nobody invites us over to their Christmas parties. They're still mad that my husband dropped a can of evaporated milk and nearly broke the paper sack of their 13 year old. Can you imagine, having your candy corns and snickers smashed by a 10 oz. can of beets? Or, a can of yellow waxed beans? My husband thinks he is serving two purposes: 1. to clean out our pantry of unnecessary food and 2. to provide good humor.

Unfortunately, the kids who plan six months in advance for Halloween, costume and all, are not amused.

My husband actually believes that one kid thanked him last year for half a box of ice cream cones. I think he was just being polite. Many kids are just dumbfounded and speechless; they thank my husband, because they don't know what else to say. They are afraid of the deranged man. I watch them as they run down to the curb, in lightening speed, just to get away from him. I desperately try to blow out the candles and shut off the front lights but my husband is having so much fun and I really cannot bear to control my 200 lb. comedian.

So, if you decide to trick or treat on my street, I apologize in advance and would just ask that you keep walking past our house; we do not have anything good in the pantry this year!

14 Reasons for our Wedded Bliss

As you know, the blog is titled, "Married to the Material". Yet, after 75 stories related to my husband and his (all too true) antics, I relieved him from being the spectacle...leaving his stories for the book, not the blog.

But, not today.

Today, I dedicate this blog to my husband, Tony...with 14 reasons to thank him on our Anniversary.

1. You knew me in 1986...complete with big "Aussie scrunch-sprayed" hair, Milli Vanilli bike shorts and more make up than the Clinique counter. You probably saw me drinking a California Cooler in the hallway of Manzanita dorm and walked by...that's okay, it wasn't our time. We did hang out in college and even double dated to a Journey concert. We were not each other's date though.



2. You saw me again 1990 in Dance History 100 class...no make it, I SAW you! But, again, it wasn't our time...although we did see a couple performances and did our homework together. Thank you for typing my term paper.



3. You heard from our friend, Justin that I was coming back (1992) to town...yep, that was the right time!



4. You taught me, the girl who failed Freshman P.E.(who dresses out 1st period anyway?) to snow ski, jet ski and water ski...and never gave up on me.



5. You know my idiosyncrasies and still love me.



6. You bought me that foot massager in 1999, proving that you heard me say, "I wish I had one of these" in a Walmart that fateful day.



7. You make some cute kiddos with me.



8. You allow me to pick out your Halloween costume...I mean, who does that? That is trust...Ricky Bobby, Sonny Bono...shall I go on?



9. You ate "Burnt to Hell" chicken (cooked 350 ways) and only after our third year of marriage...kindly suggested I turn off the oven/stove and let the meal turn cold rather than charcoal.



10. You give me a nightly neck rub. I have calculated 365 days x 14 years which comes to 5,110 nights. That's a lot of neck rubs. I am one lucky girl!



11. You make me laugh...even on days when I don't wanna laugh, when things aren't funny and I might even want to scream/cry/anything but laugh.



12. You still jump on the trampoline, which proves you really are 12.



13. You are the Crazy Glue to this family. And, I am glad we all stick!



14. You're not just my husband, the box I mark on the tax forms, the social security number on a medical form, the guy who fixes the garbage disposal, the one who makes sure the car is always full of gas, air in the tires, and tires rotated. The man who sees that my needs are met, my desires fulfilled and yes, even listens to me rant on and on on... Yes, you are all that. But, the day I married you, I knew I married my best friend. You are my Harry Met Sally...

Thank you for fourteen years of being my best friend! Thank you for knowing me for twenty four years and still (mostly) liking me everyday.

Love,

Caprice

Putting the C in CVS...

After a two week house (interior) painting job (which I will blog about later), I am happy to report that our family purged and cleaned house. Much of our items are now on Craig's list or in the dump.

In my case, cleaning the closet was an exercise in itself. I was able to part with a few old rags and some that were no longer in style. With the help, (ahh hem) of my thirteen year old daughter, I parted with a lot of outdated fashion.

And, yes, she parted with my old Bebe jacket, a couple of my favorite tee shirts and a purse. I also learned that I didn't look good in most of my wardrobe. According, to a thirteen year old.

I did however, find a couple "pearls" in the back of my closet. A pair of old Levi's which fit great and some old athletic spandex. YES, I kept them. Who wouldn't? I happened to look great in them (1995) and now that they are prominently placed in the front of my closet, I can grab them in the early morning and get the kids to school...quite fashionably.

Honestly, I put them on and imagine walking down the hall to the workout room, and getting 30min. on the treadmill. An early morning workout...

Somehow, a sandwich needs making, a hair style is requested, homework needs completion and in short order...its time to head out the door for school.

In my spandex. Looking very 90's. Much to the family's dismay. I guess they fail to appreciate a SOLID GOLD Dancer when they see one.

Max kindly offered that I needn't walk into the school office with him today. He has to turn in his Student Council election form. Guess he didn't want so much attention paid to him. Then, he said, "Mom, your pants are so cheap, you lost the C in CVS." *

*Side note: CVS is a drugstore located a quarter mile from our house. He actually had the nerve to suggest my pants came from a drugstore.

I took a peek at my booty, and found the letters "VS" emblazoned for all to see. Dare I tell him that the "VS" stands for "Victoria's Secret?"

I think not. Let him think I shop at CVS a little longer.

As for the pants, they are staying. I should wear them to work. Then, I'd get my workout!

FOR SALE- Band of Frogs

And, today's item for sale is: Lovely band of frogs (and a turtle) playing banjos and guitars on a wood post. Its not only decorative, its functional too. Yep, if you look closely, you'll see its a lamp. Now, wouldn't you enjoy reading to this "little critter band?" This band will light up your life! If your house needs this lamp, or if you have "soft spot" for banjo playin' frogs....give Peggy a call. She will sell it to you.

**Keep in mind, all pictures were given to me by dear 'ol Mother in Law and her Beau. You know, we call him "T" to keep his anonymity.

PS- I still haven't seen the end tables purchased on their first date.

Mother In Law Is Ready To Part With Gnomes...

I am seriously considering selling my mother in law and her Beau's "collections" on Craig's List. Maybe... they will get enough money for another cruise.

The post would go something like this:

FOR SALE: 400+ Garden Gnomes. Low maintenance, may cause a nasty letter from Home Owner's Association or may be useful in just irritating the neighbors. Superior security device. After they see these scary, little midgets, they won't want what's inside. Call Peggy.

FOR SALE: Wind chimes all sizes and styles. You name it ....Peg's got it. Give her a ring.

**Please come back for more items. This is the tip of iceberg...rather, the first level of the house. Once they climb the stairs, a new batch of goodies will be available. Do not delay...call Peggy today!

PS- The pictures represented on this blog were sent directly from "you-know-who"...the MIL and her beau. More to follow...

A Little Personal Training

So, I decided it was time to get off the couch and workout. What better place than in the mountains of Utah to get my body in shape. The cool air and steep climbs to walk. I also decided I need the extra help. A Personal Trainer. Yep, Tony thought this would be a good move and he agreed to the Personal Trainer.

I was lucky enough to find one in town. She is pretty buff and has those rock hard abs and great defined arms I have been wanting. I am hoping to get her body soon. She works out a lot though. I am just looking for "some company", someone to get me through the uphill walks and hold my feet down during crunches.

Oh, and she comes pretty cheap, $10.00 a week.

She told me I can tag along on any of her workouts. Its too good to be true!

Fast forward to my first meeting with her. She comes equipped with leg weights and dumbbells, asking if "I would use the ankle weights during the walk." To which I said, "Are you kidding?" I mean the walk at high attitude is enough pain, why would I risk my life with weights tied to my ankles. Plus, my ankles look good! She let me "off the hook" from the ankle weights.

We walked briskly for nearly 30 minutes when my trainer looked back at me and said, "Are you okay, do you need a break?" I guess my panting scared her a little. She was able to speak without being all out of breath and here I was gasping for air...imagine if I had those damn ankle weights now!

She was kind enough to let me rest...for a nanosecond.

Then, off to the uphill part, in which she found the deepest incline on the road and made us take that route. Ughh....I am starting to reconsider this Personal Trainer thing. But, I trailed behind her and finished the walk.

She told me she was going to start some cardio tomorrow and showed me her notebook filled with exercises. And, I saw a jump rope. Are you kidding me? Bet I'll have to wear the ankle weights too.

I would fire this Personal Trainer but I don't have the heart. She's so sweet and means well. I asked Tony to fire her for me. He said he won't get involved.

'Cause...you can't fire your twelve year old daughter!

(Thank you, Maddie!)

Bucket Lists...And My Mother In Law

My mother in law has a "Bucket List." She shared hers with her Beau, "T" and not only did he listen to her list...he made one come true. Isn't that sweet? Its nice to have someone make your dreams come true.

Peg told "T" that she wanted to take an Alaskan Cruise. So, he did what not many men do...he followed up and made it happen. He took her on that cruise. She crossed it off. One down....now I am hearing it is his turn. Peg will make something on his Bucket List come true. I can't share it now, but I will after he crosses it off. Maybe I'll get a picture too.

I am lucky enough to also have the kind of man who listens to the Bucket List. My husband taught me how to snow ski, water ski, jet ski,... yeah we like water sports. He also taught me how to camp, swing on a rope into Lake Powell and snowmobile. And right now, I am sitting in the cabin that was once on my "Bucket List."

If you have a Bucket List, share it with someone. You never know what might happen!

Tales of My Mother In Law...

Do you have a mother in law to talk about? A mother in law who doesn't make you cry, cuss or cringe...instead, she becomes part of your blog, sharing such funny stories, you can't avoid the material any longer. This post is dedicated to my dear 'ol mother in law.

Love can be found anywhere. But, my mother in law, Peg... found love on the Internet. After a slew of men, (who's names always started with the letter "B", we swear she was dating alphabetically)...she found a keeper. To keep his identity safe, we will call him, "T".

"T" asked Peg out on a date, to the furniture store. Yes, "senior dating" is not all that movie and popcorn crap, apparently, its doing errands together, like shopping for end tables. Did I mention Peg has a panache for decorating? Her decor consists of: floral print couches, crocheted afghans and a pinch of Forrest green. Her kitchen theme is Pigs. Pig cookie jars, ceramic pigs and laughing pigs, adorned in bandannas- rolling on their backs. So, who better to ask for "professional end table purchasing" power. But, I digress...

Peg and T dated and shopped. They bought new carpet, new paint, new ceiling fans and lighting. They picked out new bedroom furniture and the linens to match. Right down to the bath mat! Peg had a new hobby...reinventing her new beau. And gals, its never too late to find a man or change him. If you are waiting for Mr. Right...you'll be in for a long ass wait or simply lace up your white, mall walkin' shoes and get to changin'.

Peg has systematically redecorated each room of this man's house. She cleaned his kitchen cabinets, only to find six rolling pins, five containers of Garlic salt and more than a dozen salt and pepper shakers. I guess they needed an Intervention from Hoarders, too.

I had to laugh, because Peg herself, owns a potato ricer. Ever heard of one of those? Its old enough looking to have come directly from "The Potato Famine of 1845." I didn't know what the heck it was when I opened her kitchen drawer. Potato and rice? Two starches... I didn't get it. Recently, I saw a potato ricer in Target. So, people are still using 'em.

Peg also cleaned out his sun room and yard. As with all older folks, Gnomes and wind chimes were involved. Apparently, Peg has her limits.

The gnomes and chimes hit the garbage can.

Peg and "T" are having a "root toot of a time" dating/shopping. He is getting a complimentary interior designer. What luck! She is getting a boyfriend with good taste...hers. They have Before and After pictures, as well. If only I could get my hands on those.

I dare ask if the toothbrush holder contains one or two toothbrushes, though. Does my mother in law have her own drawer in the new dresser? Hmmm.... I hope she does.

But, the funny stories keep coming. Each time I talk to Peg, she tells me about the new plates, or the new coffee maker... because the other four didn't "look nice" on the kitchen counter.

Oh, did I mention their Bucket Lists? I'll save that for next time...!

Complaints Unwelcome...Comments Readily Accepted!

That's right...I have made the decision to not complain for 24 hours. A full day of "positive thoughts" only. Given that huge task ahead of me, I thought I would use the quote I use on my twelve year old daughter..."Are you complaining...or just commenting?"

Here are the comments pressing on my mind:
1. Dear Neighbor: If I can hear your dog bark in your backyard, can you hear him as well?
2. Trampolines make the finest reason to call another mother and tell them to check on their kid's bleeding lip.
3. Life is short...and will get shorter if you don't clean your room!
4. A diet will only cause me to gain three lbs...better not start one today.
5. "Parents of the Year" award goes to: ...the parents of the 16 year old sailing girl....lost at sea. Thankfully, she was found, or I wouldn't even mention this one.
6. Lovin' the trees planted by the pool...not lovin' the leaves in the pool.
7. Weekends call for windy weather, an unexplainable phenomenon in Nevada.
8. A dirty dish is always found after the dishwasher is turned on.
9. Brazilian waxing is not for wimps... merely expensive, self-induced pain.
10. Complaining will get you nowhere...but comments are most appreciated.

If you have any complaints, I mean "comments", post 'em to me. I would love to hear your "comments"!

Why My Car Insurance Won't Go Up...

I was thinking about all the car accidents I have been involved in. I counted three... no make it four within a five mile radius of the house. The first three accidents and really, is it an accident if no one else is involved? I didn't think so. And, if they all occur all within the driveway/garage area, is that an accident too? Yep, I didn't get very far.

#1. 1997 Acura TL- Pregnant with Maddie. I share that because I am sure she must have kicked in my belly as I was pulling out of the garage and right into the side of my new house....with my new car. The house was about three months old and the car...even newer. Oooops! I took a little stucco off the garage exterior wall...with the front corner panel. Ran in house and called husband at work...no, I didn't have a cell phone in 1997. Told him I had been in an accident and he responded, "Where are you, stay where you are...I am coming."

I told him I was in the kitchen.

Tony: "I thought you had a car accident?"
Me: "I did, but just in the garage and I wrecked the house and the car (crying and sniffling) and its a mess."
Tony: I will be home from work later, go do whatever shopping you had to do and we'll talk about it later...click."

We ended up paying for that one "out of pocket" because no sense raising the insurance on new car/house.

#2: 2000 Expedition, backing out of garage. Did you know the garage door opener takes more than five seconds to get all the way up? I really thought I was clear to drive but the garage door was a little slower than usual and it hit my back window. Just a couple cosmetic scratches. The garage door hooked onto my back window wiper though. The most damage was to that cheap, metal garage door. Tony hammered that one out with a rubber mallet when he got home. Again, no insurance call was made. Although, I did call Tony to tell him.

This time he said he'd be home at five.

#3: 2000 Expedition: Backing out, cleared the garage door before driving out to the driveway. I was heading out to a doctor appointment with two kids in car seats. I backed out and almost made it when out of nowhere...a car is parked behind our driveway/across the street. It must have been camouflage color, because I sure didn't see it back there..but I did feel and hear it. So, did the roofer building the house next door. That guy nearly fell off the roof yelling something in Spanish. Thankfully, those three years of college Spanish were gonna pay off. I called you-know-who again and told him I didn't scratch the garage wall or door this time. No, this time I got a car. And, I needed him to come home and help me out.

In the driveway.

Tony offered to pay for damage and all was good. Insurance claim averted.

#4: 2000 Expedition...man this car had some bad luck! Driving Maddie to gymnastics and a wayward tire iron (about the length of a golf club) came flying out of a pick up truck and bounced under my car. Couldn't swerve away from it. Had to drive over it. And, my left front tire found it...so did the front wheel well/fender. Caught my tire...puncturing both the tire and the front fender as I veered across traffic to parking lot nearby.

Yep...I called Tony at work to tell him of my accident. I told him no one was hurt and even though It was "a two person" accident...well, the other person was gone and never looked back for his tire iron. Tony showed up with tools and fixed my very flat tire. We even kept the tire iron for memory. No need to call insurance.

So there you have it. I have a great driving record and no accidents. I think I have the "good driver" discount!

Jeepers Creepers!

My Jeep is getting me down lately. I never thought a vehicle would frustrate me or that I would blog about it. Its "four wheels that get me from here to there" and back again. I wanted this Jeep so badly, my husband found one in Idaho, flew there, bought it and drove it back for me. (He spoils me so much!)

But lately...my Jeep doesn't like me. I may have the modern day "Christine" (reference to 80's Stephen King).

It all began when the car decided to not start one morning in the garage. Thankfully, I had Tony's set of keys and took the kids to school in his Monster truck...a 2004 Ford 350, lifted and with big tires. So ginormous, you need two parking spots. Don't even think about a drive-thru or covered parking.

But, I digress.

My Jeep didn't start for the three days Tony was out of town. I tried it a few times, thinking it might start again...but it wouldn't. I even called my friend's husband (he has the same Jeep and experience with Jeeps), he said it "sounded like the battery and not the alternator." He even offered to come by and check it. I told him I could drive Gravedigger a couple more days.

Fast forward to Tony's arrival. He jumped in the driver seat, and turned the Jeep over with one start. I was so peeved. He just laughed and walked back in the house. Grrrrr!

One week later, I headed to Walmart and found myself (again) stranded in a parking lot with dead Jeep. I looked to my right, as a Mercedes SUV emblazoned with "Roadside Assistance" written on it, parked.

Ah, there is a God.

I asked the two guys if they could jump my car, as I KNEW it was a battery. They obliged. In the meantime, I called husband to tell him of my Lucy moment. He told me emphatically, "it's not the battery Caprice, just jiggle the wheel and make sure the car is in park...wiggle that too." So, I did the "wiggle jiggle jig" as the guys thought they were charging my battery. And guess what?

It started.

It has done this a few more times and I do the Jig to start it. You'd think this was some 'ol Jalopy...no, its a 2008 Rubicon. Built on a Friday afternoon...just before Happy Hour.

Recently, the Ruby began making a squeaking noise. Tony thinks I dropped something down the dash board. I don't think I did. Although a year ago, I did lose my Lake Mead Annual Pass in the dash, minutes after the $20.00 purchase. I placed it on the dash for Tony to affix on the corner of the window...only to have it disappear into the Grand Canyon-sized hole, known as the dash board. I guess he knows me too well.

Anyhow, I have the fix for the squeak...just turn up the radio volume and AHA!...noise is gone. See, I can fix things!

A letter to My Daughter...

Dearest Maddie:

Please clean your room. I would like to see the carpet once more, but I am afraid your belongings are covering it. All of it. Actually, I don't even remember what color the carpet is. I will give you three trash bags to start the process. Use one for "give away", one for "trash" AND THE LAST FOR" stuff you think is not trash but is so trash, even a UNICEF kid would pass it up".

To help you, here are a few tips to knowing what trash looks like. Old balloons that lost their air and now lay 'wrinkled like old skin"...trash. The stick to a lollipop...trash. Papers from the 3rd grade (remember you are now in 7th) are also trash.

Candy wrappers, water bottles, broken hair clips and old bows from gifts. Dried up nail polish, used tissues and dolls without heads, yes these can leave your room, as well. Clothes that read "6x" (because now you're a 12-14), awards for school attendance (because Mom drove you to school everyday...in fact, the award is MORE mine) and hair scrunchies that have lost their elastic. Mom, can't sew...so throw them away.

I let the time pass.I picked my battle. I told you to study for Finals and to let the room wait. Lord knows if this junk had legs , it would have picked itself off the floor and headed for the trash can. Speaking of trash can, do you need a bigger one? Your father walked by your room, glanced in and reported that you "ought to have a larger trash can". Home Depot has a great one...would you like it in Grey or Moss Green? It comes with wheels so you can drag it to the curb every Monday and Thursday.

I have a nice shovel, it makes the job easier. Dad has rubber gloves for picking up the items that make you go "ick". The phone number for Hoarders is in my speed dial, just in case. So, is "Clean House"...would you listen to Niecy Nash tell you its "a hot mess" in that room?

I love you Dee, you are my only daughter who makes me so proud. You keep your grades up, never accepting less than than an A or B....as you asserted yourself and asked your math teacher if he "would round your 89.7 up to an A"...I had to laugh. When you went to State for Gymnastics and brought home 2nd place for Floor...and said, "It was fun and I don't care about the medals", you made me speechless. The trophies and medals will stay. Do not throw them away. Do not throw away your American Girl Doll, the one I picked out to resemble you. I know your brother says "its creepy-looking" but its all I have to remember the younger you.

Ahhh, the garbage truck will be here in 72 hours, do your best to clean the mess. If you need my help, I can rake through your floor and we can be done in an hour. If you need to touch every last piece of junk, reliving a memory...I understand. I too, was your age and know how hard it is to throw stuff away. But, I would like to vacuum and need to see the floor again.

Love,
Mom xoxo

On Shopping Carts...

On Grocery Shopping...(written in 2000)

This story is not for the weak. I must warn you now that what I am going to write is even more than my own stomach can normally handle. It is with caution that you read this story...

It all began one morning, as I prepared to head out for the grocery store. My husband, who was working out of the house, awaiting his new office building to be completed, had suggested I keep our toddler, Madison home.

She was still sleeping and would wake up to a morning of Elmo and Cheerios. And, she was not built for grocery shopping, not up for the long journey down each aisle, often whimpering at the temperature in the frozen foods. Shopping with one kid was a breeze.

Max was a quiet, easygoing and happy baby. At eight months, he would lie in his carrier and just smile with those “big blue eyes”. Easy with a capital E! Or, as his sister would say,” easy cheesy lemon squeezy" I was never weary of taking him places because of his laid-back personality. So, off I went, just: Max, my oversized, nylon diaper tote from the Gap and a grocery list. I was ready to wage wars with other carts, pick produce like a pro and stand in the long deli line for a pound of sliced smoked turkey and provolone.

I was strolling though the aisles, filling my cart with foods and necessities. I had already picked up a box of baby wipes and was nearing the end of my shopping. Almost time to check out...until I bent over into the cart to lay down the dozen eggs and got a whiff of something foul.

Notice, I didn't say fowl, like chicken, because I didn't have poultry in my cart. Instead, I had something much, much worse. And, it was leaking from my son's diaper and straight into my Gap (diaper) bag. Luckily, my own purse was placed strategically under this "misfortune of diarrhea" and dripping, stinking, yellow mess! It was the consistency of Grey Poupon (country dijon) mustard or any Dijon mustard, but not the French's mustard variety.

Max showed no signs of discomfort and continued smiling, despite smelling "like a landfill at high noon in Arizona". He must have "burnt out" his own olfactory senses, but mine were unfortunately in overdrive. I assumed the rest of the store was becoming aware of this rancidity of my sweet son. I prayed the fire alarm would not go off.

I quickly maneuvered the groceries away from the "trail of drips" and grabbed the new box of wipes to use on the cart, my son's legs and of course, my bag! I was so embarrassed, in a frozen state of confusion. Do I leave the cart and run for my car? Do I call the biohazard rescue team? 911? What should I do now? Well, as you all know, once you've spent an hour in a grocery store, you must finish the job.

I headed for the checkout lane, apologized for opening the box of wipes, before paying. I knew the pungent smell was following me like a bad habit. I hesitated on the way to checkout, to pick up a can of "Glade Springtime Flowers". Too bad, I only hesitated! I noticed about a half dozen women running the other way to the longer checkout lanes, they were obviously overcome by the odor.

I ignored the stares and coughs of people around me, including the elderly woman who began a gagging reflex behind me. I looked straight at her as if to say, "Hey, did you pass gas or what"? I began to pass blame like a hot potato. I quickly glanced at the checker (also overcome by the stench), giving her the eye roll and said, "Wow, someone really cut the cheese" all the while covering up my son's yellow legs. She agreed, as she pulled on a gas mask from under the counter.

I was eager to pay and leave before the "wet mop' was called to clean up aisle nine. I hoped Albertson's would burn the cart, in the parking lot. I considered torching the cart myself, but did not want to become an arsonist, as well. So, I wiped it down with the rest of the wipes and headed home.

*If you happen to have been at the supermarket on a hot, July morning, circa 1999...I hope you did not use this cart. I am sure it was deemed hazardous material and sent away by some men in white jumpsuits.

>>>This story was a favorite of mine, I will be posting some of my older stories to remind myself how quickly the kiddos grow. Max is now riding a YZ 85, not a shopping cart this summer!

A Son's Wish List...read by his Mother!

I was making my son's bed today and came across the usual items in his sheets...Nintendo DS, dirty socks and a notebook covered in stickers. As a Mother, I had to peek inside. Who knows what he might be writing about and if its good, I may use the material...

It was VERY good...and I am a little desperate for material, so here goes:

Page 1: A weekly chart of school events. Monday- Art, Tuesday- Music and guitar lessons, okay...you got the picture, turn the page.

Page 2- Written Contract with Dad: "Dad said if I get a B or A in Math, I get a motorcycle and lessons. " Four places to sign the contract, I guess he expects even his sister to sign off on the deal!

Page 3- A list of phone numbers of family and friends...again boring information, but he did write down our office number which is good for him to know!

Page 4- (Feeling a little guilty reading this notebook, but not guilty enough to stop). This page is titled "Money"and goes as such: 50 dollars Target gift card, 50 regular dollars, and more change (guess he doesn't count that stuff as money...I remember counting change the other day for a taco at Taco Bell). Anyhow, Chinese money $5, $ 2, $1, $1 and Dollar shills, Total: $ 209.75...Apparently, we still need to work on adding money, hence the page 2 and math grade!

Page 5- This one made me laugh. Its a "top ten wish list of things to buy" with the loot he counted on page 4.

1. Lego Atlantis

2. Tech Decks

3. FOX motorcycle stickers

4. Nintendo games- Halo or Modern Warfare #2. (No, he doesn't have #1, or any war games...this is a wish list, keep wishin' kid.)

5. PS3

6. Candy, Reeses, M & M's, Kit Kats, Lollipops.(Damn,that's my wish list too!)

7. Computer

8. TV

9. New Shoes

10. AXE Men Body Wash.

Yep, my ten year old is wishin' for some Axe Body Wash. I understood the desire for games, electronics, and even the candy, which I might add, I am now craving a frozen Reeses peanut butter cup and maybe some milk to wash it down. But, the body wash threw me off. Perhaps, the commercial makes him want it so?

He showers twice a day, with Gold Dial and a handful of Hotel soaps he steals from my stash; which I keep in my bathroom drawer. Max even has TWO bottles of shampoo. Some days he smells: "Green Apple" and other days its "Ocean Breeze." I guess, he's looking for a new moxie.

Axe Men's Body Wash.

I am tempted to pick some up for him. Right after I get the mega bag of Reese's Peanut Butter cups and a gallon of milk.

Oh, I am so glad my kids don't read my blog. Gotta put the notebook back under the sheets. But,... not before I take a picture!

Bumper Stickers...

I saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of me today...it kinda got me to thinking, "Why do people put bumper stickers on their car?" I mean, at what point does someone say, "Hey, I wanna be committed to this thought or that person"...because they are nearly permanent. (Like a tattoo..and no, that tattoo was henna, not the real thing. I get a kick that many of you thought I had a real one. I was even more shocked to hear how many of you have the "real deal"!)

So back to this bumper sticker....a small, black sticker that read, "Bjork".

First of all, who listens to Bjork? Wasn't she the singer (using that word loosely here) who wore an abstract dress resembling a swan or something to the music awards...a few years back...I think that's her. Well, apparently, she still has a following.

I looked at the other cars on the road and both the car and mini van to the left and right had American flag stickers. Its nice to see some patrioticism in today's divided country...the last time I saw an American flag was in the days after 9/11. I remember racing out to Wal Mart for a flag and some stickers of my own. I wanted to show how much I too, loved our country and what we stood for and the freedom it represents. I recall sticking a flag on our house and one inside the window of my 2000 Expedition. Committed to the flag, and the bumper.

My kids always come home with those "My child is an Honor Student at Blah, Blah, Elemenatry School". I have so many of those from their years on Honor roll, I could wallpaper the guest bathroom. Sadly, I do not stick these on my car, like the "other" moms. I guess that will make me out as "the bad mom", but I cherish the clean line of my bumper. And, I sorta laugh at the moms who put all that crap on their cars, the stick people/family, the soccer ball stickers, Ti Kwon Do stickers, etc...

I like reading the "Redneck" stickers and the "My other car is a broom"...they really let you know who's behind the wheel, don't they?

At least, with the Bjork fan, I had an idea of his poor taste in music! But, at what point did this guy say, "I am a Bjork fan and I want the world to know it." There has to be point that makes a person commit to the adhesive on a bumper. (My husband won't even put one on his 1993 Jeep, merely "a four wheel rock climbing/crawling vehicle.") But, he does let the kids put them on his tool cabinet. And, that's commitment!

If you have a bumper sticker on your car, let me know...

No More Resolutions...

2010...a new decade to start fresh. Or not. I mean, do we really need a new year to start a diet plan, stop bad habits and start new goals? I won't be in the swirl of this...instead, I will have no resolutions! That's right. Not a darn thing to improve, fix or start fresh. So this year, these are the things I will leave alone:

1. Issues surrounding weight. Instead, I will eat smaller portions, on much smaller plates and remain left with that little bit of hungry leftover/feeling.


2. Self Improvement: ya know, be on time, don't swear in front of the kids... that kind of stuff. I am gonna let this one rest too. No need to start being on time...everyone knows I run later and later. My husband even said to me last night, "Honey, the older you get, the longer it takes for you to get ready." I take that as a compliment for how I want to look good for him. In fact, the later I run... I may be late to my own funeral! Now swearing in front of the kids is merely an education they best get by their own mother. I think if they're gonna hear some swearin'... it better be from someone they know!


3. Exercise and be healthy...hmmm, sounds like a lot of work to me. I will take vitamins and again- eat off the toddler-sized plates, but if you think I will get on a treadmill or the elliptical machine...HAHAHA! Actually, I do get on that equipment, yes...to wipe the dust off periodically when company comes. I don't want anyone to think I don't use our workout room.


4. Save money. Well, if we had any extra, I would be saving. I have saved and made changes in 2009 and truth be told, I am now a penny pinching, coupon clippin', 2 for 1 kinda gal. I have made my husband both proud and able to eat a leftover. I would say that was an accomplishment, indeed!


5. Spend more time with the family. Okay, I work with my husband, so any time I have outside of home or work...is merely bathroom time, which I wish to keep to myself. I think my husband would agree that this time is really not quality time for him, as well. Of course, if he forgets to replace a roll of t.p., I will suggest he visit me during this time as well. Just drop off a new roll and we'll chat later. Thanks.

However, I do spend lots of time with the kids. From wake up calls and lunch making to droppin' them off to the school and then pick up,chats in the car, homework to do, sports chauffeuring, dinner, and bed. Whew...do it all over again!

Well...there you have it. No need for resolutions for me. If you have a resolution or if you had an epiphany to resolve nothing...let me know!

Happy 2010!