Halloween is Scary...just keep walkin'!

Well, its time to prepare for Halloween, which means kids will likely leave our house crying again this year...and not by being terrified by the "eerie music" or overwhelmed by the house decorations. "Trick or treating" all begins so innocently, but how it ends makes my skin crawl.

You see, each year I dress up our kids in original and usually handmade costumes. Handmade, because my kids are excessively creative and come up with their own characters. At three years old, my daughter wanted to be a "Ballerina Cat", thus a black tail and fuzzy wuzzy belly fur were attached to her pink tutu. My son, requested to be a “Country Mouse" one year. This was easy enough with a glue gun and raffia; he looked like he slept in the hay!

However, it is not the costumes that make this holiday so difficult for me. I enjoy the challenge of putting their creativity to the "Mommy test." I also enjoy carving the pumpkins and buying endless bags of candy for the evening.

I have even been known to dress up, per my kids instructions as a witch, over and over and over again...I wonder if this is a subtle sting of innuendo from the kiddos? So... what is it, that makes me dread Halloween, you ask? Well, its my husband, of course.

No, he isn't one of those men who decorates a haunted house and he doesn't stand behind a tree in the yard, scaring the neighborhood kids. He will not dress up, except when I offer him a bright orange tee shirt that reads, "This is my costume."

Instead, he excitedly bolts to the door for the first trick or treater and thus starts the evening of terror!! I watch as he holds out the candy bowl, as pirates, clowns, Spongebobs and ghosts timidly take 1 sole, tiny candy kiss. My husband happily helps them out with his "man handful" of candy and they are amazed. I guess you are now thinking, so how is that dreadful? He is so generous to the little kids...don't be fooled.

My husband is just trying to get rid of the candy, so he can "play his prank" on the older kids. You know, the ones he believes are "too old" to be dressing up for candy. My husband believes that the little kids show up first, so he is “kind and generous” from about 6-8pm. It is around this time that the bowl is empty (or... has mysteriously disappeared from the foyer).

Traditionally and in most homes, this is the time we should blow out the candle pumpkins and turn off the lights, but not here! No, this is my spouse’s highlight of the holiday and he is armed with “treats” of his own.

You see, my husband uses the holiday for an annual pantry cleaning! Call it spring cleaning in October. Call it harmlessly funny. Call it tricks . Just don't call me, when your kid comes home with a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup. My older neighborhood kids will be offered cans of beans, unopened boxes of croutons, ketchup, even a box of powdered sugar, (which, in this day and age, could be mistaken for drugs in that white, powdery state).

Yikes!

I suppose its funny, unless you're married to the prankster and know that these families are thinking we are insane neighbors.

And, its no wonder, nobody invites us over to their Christmas parties. They're still mad that my husband dropped a can of evaporated milk and nearly broke the paper sack of their 13 year old. Can you imagine, having your candy corns and snickers smashed by a 10 oz. can of beets? Or, a can of yellow waxed beans? My husband thinks he is serving two purposes: 1. to clean out our pantry of unnecessary food and 2. to provide good humor.

Unfortunately, the kids who plan six months in advance for Halloween, costume and all, are not amused.

My husband actually believes that one kid thanked him last year for half a box of ice cream cones. I think he was just being polite. Many kids are just dumbfounded and speechless; they thank my husband, because they don't know what else to say. They are afraid of the deranged man. I watch them as they run down to the curb, in lightening speed, just to get away from him. I desperately try to blow out the candles and shut off the front lights but my husband is having so much fun and I really cannot bear to control my 200 lb. comedian.

So, if you decide to trick or treat on my street, I apologize in advance and would just ask that you keep walking past our house; we do not have anything good in the pantry this year!

14 Reasons for our Wedded Bliss

As you know, the blog is titled, "Married to the Material". Yet, after 75 stories related to my husband and his (all too true) antics, I relieved him from being the spectacle...leaving his stories for the book, not the blog.

But, not today.

Today, I dedicate this blog to my husband, Tony...with 14 reasons to thank him on our Anniversary.

1. You knew me in 1986...complete with big "Aussie scrunch-sprayed" hair, Milli Vanilli bike shorts and more make up than the Clinique counter. You probably saw me drinking a California Cooler in the hallway of Manzanita dorm and walked by...that's okay, it wasn't our time. We did hang out in college and even double dated to a Journey concert. We were not each other's date though.



2. You saw me again 1990 in Dance History 100 class...no make it, I SAW you! But, again, it wasn't our time...although we did see a couple performances and did our homework together. Thank you for typing my term paper.



3. You heard from our friend, Justin that I was coming back (1992) to town...yep, that was the right time!



4. You taught me, the girl who failed Freshman P.E.(who dresses out 1st period anyway?) to snow ski, jet ski and water ski...and never gave up on me.



5. You know my idiosyncrasies and still love me.



6. You bought me that foot massager in 1999, proving that you heard me say, "I wish I had one of these" in a Walmart that fateful day.



7. You make some cute kiddos with me.



8. You allow me to pick out your Halloween costume...I mean, who does that? That is trust...Ricky Bobby, Sonny Bono...shall I go on?



9. You ate "Burnt to Hell" chicken (cooked 350 ways) and only after our third year of marriage...kindly suggested I turn off the oven/stove and let the meal turn cold rather than charcoal.



10. You give me a nightly neck rub. I have calculated 365 days x 14 years which comes to 5,110 nights. That's a lot of neck rubs. I am one lucky girl!



11. You make me laugh...even on days when I don't wanna laugh, when things aren't funny and I might even want to scream/cry/anything but laugh.



12. You still jump on the trampoline, which proves you really are 12.



13. You are the Crazy Glue to this family. And, I am glad we all stick!



14. You're not just my husband, the box I mark on the tax forms, the social security number on a medical form, the guy who fixes the garbage disposal, the one who makes sure the car is always full of gas, air in the tires, and tires rotated. The man who sees that my needs are met, my desires fulfilled and yes, even listens to me rant on and on on... Yes, you are all that. But, the day I married you, I knew I married my best friend. You are my Harry Met Sally...

Thank you for fourteen years of being my best friend! Thank you for knowing me for twenty four years and still (mostly) liking me everyday.

Love,

Caprice